How about a round of applause for the blog title! I used a fancy plugin called Headline Generator. All I do is type in the topic, and it generates endless headlines. These headlines are not especially creative and never involve word play or titles with subtle innuendo. They are all business, designed to draw in the reader. Other choices I had:

• 10 Reasons You Need to Stop Stressing About Retirement
• 15 Up and Coming Retirement Bloggers You Need to Watch
• 12 Dos and Don’ts for Retirement
• How to Outsmart Your Peers in Retirement
• Retirement: It’s Not as Difficult As You Think

As you can see, a headline with countable points (10 Reasons, 12 Dos and Don’ts) appeals to readers. Also in play: our desire to have up-to-date information (Up and Coming bloggers) and our desire to be smarter than our peers (How to Outsmart…). Marketing research shows that these types of headlines draw readers and help to monetize a website.

I decided I don’t care much about either large numbers of followers or monetizing my site.  Sure, I love having readers and have even made good friends through this blog. I wouldn’t mind making money through my website, as many do. However, my reasons for being here: I love to write. It is not about wooing readers with snappy headlines (except this time!).

So anyway, this post really is about retirement: a light-hearted look at how to outsmart your peers by making better decisions about retirement. I am an expert on the matter of retirement since I am nearly 62 years old (9 more days) and think about it daily. However, I am not an expert on decision-making. Easy and/or impulsive decisions have always been my forte. I shoot from the hip or go with the flow, rather than make a concerted effort towards a big decision. It is so much easier, and, if you are waffling about retirement, be sure to follow my steps below.

• Live in denial – when I left my last minister gig in ND, the plan was to “take some much-needed time off” while seeking a new position. I convinced myself and everyone else I would be back at work as a minister soon; meanwhile, I turned down 4 positions for interim ministry. My reasoning: that church is too from my newlyweds, or they sound like a church in conflict (who needs that again), or their previous minister has been there too long, or it rains too much there, and so on. I told myself that I will be extremely picky and, therefore, have found lots of things to pick at. Besides, our Mainline churches are in extreme turmoil and I am possibly burnt out on ministry, beyond repair.
• Get a cover job – just to prove how much you plan to “get back to work”, get a part time job while resting up. Everyone, including yourself, will admire your commitment to being a real working person, not afraid of a little manual labor, despite your list of degrees, titles, and accomplishments.
• Call about your retirement benefits, just out of curiosity – Of course, you are not really planning to retire, but call anyway, just for giggles. Find out how much you will get with this or that, and write out a budget based on that amount. If the numbers don’t work, reduce expenses and become debt-free so that you can actually live on that amount.Don’t take all your benefits, though. Save some for when you really retire.
• Check out health insurance – if you are not yet 65 and eligible for Medicare, thoroughly research insurance options, just in case. Apply for benefits, just in case.
• Take a college course or two. It is always a good time to hone your employable skills.
• Visit job-hunting websites to scan available positions. However, never post a resume. You might actually get calls from people who want to hire you.
• Line up tons of volunteer work and tell yourself that is really working, even though you don’t earn 1 red cent.
• Pursue some of your retirement dreams, but not too ardently. In my case, go camping often, live in RV full time, start quilting in earnest, identify more birds, spend time with the “kids”, write more often. Go easy. If you are living in denial about retirement, you don’t want to do these things all the time. An alternative strategy: do it all, but don’t let anyone know that you love sewing for hours on end and listening to BBC or NPR on satellite radio, sometimes into the wee hours. Don’t fess up that many days you sit in the coffee shop writing for 3 hours, while getting over-caffeinated and then move to the library for 3 more hours of free WiFi and clean potties.
• Because an RV has less storage space than a house, get rid of all your fancy work clothes but only because you don’t have enough room for them. This includes specific career apparel, including minister robes and stoles. Sell on eBay for some quick cash.  You can always buy new ones when you get another job or beg the eBay buyer to sell them back to you at the same ridiculously low price.
• Reread the definition of retirement (the action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work). Since you have not ceased working–all that sewing, disposing of work clothes, volunteering, and browsing Monster.com–you cannot possibly be retired.
• Deliver all of your kids cute childhood papers and photos to them, to store at their house. You might be traveling when you retire someday.  You can no longer be responsible for their memories.
• Try sleeping in. Not every day, silly. That would give away your secret retired status. At least one day, rise at 5 or 6 AM like the old days. Remember, you have to stay in practice for the next job.

And my absolute favorite:

• Count the days until retirement and then wake up one day and say, “oh my gosh, I am already retired. When did that happen? Good thing I planned ahead”.